A Letter To My Angel

Miscarriage affects 1 in 4 women in the UK but when you are in the middle of it it can be a very lonely place, and as you go through it and try and move on you dont always know what to do with the feelings your left with. Some super brave mummies and I have written letters to our angels to let them know how we feel. We are all at different points in our journeys past the dreadful day the worst happened and we hope by sharing these with you we might be helping someone. You are not alone. If you’d like to add your letter to this post please get in touch with the wonderful Clare from Freddie Fox and Co.

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To My Darling Angel,

5 years ago today you got your wings and left us for a better place, well I hope you are in a better place I need to believe that this is true, that you are playing amongst the clouds with all the other littles taken too soon, that you are happy. I know you knew only of love whilst you were on this earth. I will be forever grateful for this.

I am sorry that your little brother decided you weren’t to be celebrated tonight, except in my head where you are always. Please know you are forever loved, forever remembered, if only my me. I have to let that be enough, or it would consume me. I promise I will celebrate you tomorrow, I have thought of you all day. I have spoken of you occasionally. I will love you for always.

I am as ever torn by being saddened by your loss but at the same time your beautiful younger sister would never be here, and while I would give anything to have you here I would also never give her up.

I love the three of you in equal measures yet I know you become less and less significant to the rest of the world. A precious few will remember you.

I love you my darling, until we are together again, fly high little one.

All my love

Mummy xxxxxx

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Miscarriage is real, its raw and it really hurts. And when you are there in the midst of it, you think you will never get to where you want to be but I promise that you will. 

From a mummy of an angel baby, a rainbow toddler and 24 weeks pregnant with our third baby.

Dear Little Angel,

I suppose as the old cliche goes, “these things don’t happen to people like me.” How wrong was I. Recently married to your Daddy after ten years together we knew the next step was a family and getting a positive pregnancy was a feeling like no other. My mind was in overdrive, what to call you, what pram we would buy for you, how would we share our special news with your family. Every day the excitement grew. 

Then one Friday morning I woke with cramps and some bleeding. We hadn’t seen a midwife yet  so I rang the doctor. He told me I’d have to go to hospital.  As your Mummy sat amongst all those people I was in a bubble, surely I wasnt losing you. One doctor came and then another, tests and samples taken. When they took me away for a scan, I heard those dreaded words that I feared the most, “I’m sorry, there is no heart beat.” 

I didnt want to accept that we’d lost you.

Losing you was not just physically hard, emotionally it was a whole lot worse. Every plan and dream for your wee future was gone. 

Days later it was confirmed with a negative pregnancy test. You were truly gone. It's and experience I will never forget, a date I will never forget, a due date that will come and go yearly which will always make me wonder who you could have been. 

Thankfully a few months later I was pregnant again with your little brother. I had a whirlwind of emotions. Many anxious trips to the loo just to check, counting down to each appointment to check that heartbeat was still there. 9 months of worrying until your brother was placed in our arms. Some days I feel guilt for thinking of who you would have been, because without losing you, we wouldn’t have our litte boy today. But you will always have a place in my heart. You will always be our first little baby and you were just too precious for this earth.

Lots of love from Mummy xxx

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Dearest Eden, You are loved, you are so loved. I'm the only person in the world who knew you, who bonded with you, who had a connection with you. And that's a really lonely feeling. But loneliness isn't something I ever want you to feel, because you are loved. I love you, daddy loves you, your grandparents love you. Ivy and your sister will learn to love you as we tell them about you. We may not have much to tell, but just that you were there will be enough. You weren't meant to be, that's what I have to keep telling myself. That's what daddy keeps telling himself, but sometimes that's not enough to stop it from hurting. You live on in your sisters, I often wonder if you'd of looked like Ivy. When your little sister arrives, I wonder if she's what you would have looked like. There will never be a day when I don't think about you and long for you to be here. But please my darling, never feel lonely, you may only be in my thoughts and not sat beside me, but I'm there with you, always. Mummy x

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